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Opinion 
 If you don't want to know what I think,
  boy have you come to the wrong place.

 

 Introduction

People have a legal and moral right to say what they think, and despite congressional attempts to squelch free speech and leave citizens bereft of their right to self-expression, what you'll find here is me saying what I think.

If you are easily offended, please leave now. I don't plan to rush head-long into a slew of taboo subjects, but neither do I intend to shy away from them. Among other things, I am generally rather contemptuous of people and institutions unwilling to act morally. Yes, that means I'm not fond of many politicians, and if you have a favorite, you're just as likely as not to see me throw a verbal cow pie at him or her.

I am not saying that communication is a right unfettered. As I have a right to be heard, you also have a right not to hear me. Since you're at my web site—in my Opinion section furthermore—you are clearly agreeing to hear what I have to say. Which is a pity, because who am I to tell you what I think? You'd probably learn more from reading the daily comics or watching reruns of Gilligan's Island. To each his own; you want opinions, I'll give you opinions. But I don't want the flames if you disagree with what I have to say.

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September 3, 2003

Stopping idiocy in its tracks
If not me, then who? If not now, then when? If not here, then where? If not ham, then no cheese. I throw eggs at a UP professor's scrambled take on morality, Christianity, and the military. Humpty Dumpty had a big fall.

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July 3, 2003

How Few Thoughts a Brain Holds 6: My Thoughts for July 3, 2003
Breast-feeding? Statistically awesome. Gay sex? Equally protected. Affirmative action? Halle Berry. Opinions R Us reopens for business. Not that it's been missed.

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April 27, 2003

Patriotism Run Amok
A critique of Beth Chapman's Stand Up for America rally speech. If you own Alabama State Treasury bonds, you'll want to sell.

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April 24, 2003

You're cutting my WHAT?!
Routine infant circumcision. If baby boys could talk, what do you think they'd say?

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September 11, 2002

Reflections 9/11
Lessons going unlearned can be funny or sobering. Guess which it is today?

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October 19, 2001

Winning the American Game
Words, words, and more words on how to get rich (hint: not quickly) and on how to properly understand this screwy board game called Life. I mean capitalism. Either way, time to sell the cattle ranch!

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April 16, 2001

How Few Thoughts a Brain Holds 5: My Opinions for April 16, 2001
Chinese airplane bumper cars, Microsoft's Passport revoked, BC forgets to bring the funny, the NBA tries to get "in the zone," and the hubris of dot-commers remembered with a sad shake of the head and roll of the eyes.

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February 6, 2001

How Few Thoughts a Brain Holds 4: My Opinons for February 6, 2001
Thus spake Zarathustra: Any commentary on 2001 shall include a Green Bay Packer with mouse ears, Dubya's elevation to the presidency, a rash of dot-com deaths, and the latest in Microsoft idiocy. And so it was written.

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December 9, 2000

Let's Be Careful Out There
I live my own episode of COPS. Guns, drugs, busts, sirens, traffic stops. An average night in the life of a Salem Police officer, an adrenaline rush of major proportions for me. Kudos and thanks to the men and women in blue.

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December 4, 2000 

Election 2000: Winners and Losers
It was a time of marvelous political theatre if only for the reason that the suspense was thick and the losers plentiful. We won't get it this good ever again.

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November 2, 2000

Election 2000: Brains on Display
I attempt the political punditry equivalent of Evel Knievel's jump over the Snake River. Will I land safely on the other side by successfully predicting presidential election returns for all 50 states plus the District of Columbia? Or will my guesses turn out to be a crash and burn? Does a Nader victory equal an early parachute deployment? Will I ever stop with this lame stuntman metaphor and just get on with it? Sure thing.

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October 21, 2000

Ty's Oregon Voters' Guide 2000
Want somebody to tell you how to vote? Of course you do! You probably just don't want it to be me. Oh well, one out of two ain't bad.

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September 19, 2000

Well, Windoze Me!
Windoze /Win'doz/ v. 1. To be completely and utterly screwed, usually by Microsoft. Ex: My operating system just crashed (again). I sure am Windozed.

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August 15, 2000

Vivé la France! Vivé la Difference!
Compiled during seven weeks in France, I attack all manner of topics from the vantage point of an American in Paris, a status made obvious by my white tennis shoes, lack of a poodle, and inability to keep from showering once a day. The resulting treatise is both required reading for doctorate level Franco-American political science students and the reason France pulled out of NATO.

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March 23, 2000

Prince Albert in a Can
If you're feeling trapped in your career, imagine the vice president. No matter what he says or does, there's no escaping those pesky 1996 campaign finance irregularities. Note to Al: 18 minutes of blank tape didn't help Nixon; three years of deleted email won't help you.

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March 22, 2000

How Few Thoughts a Brain Holds 3: My Opinons for March 22, 2000
You didn't really expect me to shut up did you? Poor, poor you. Poor, poor, stupid you.

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February 28, 2000

The Problems with Shrub
My case for George "Dubya" as Bush-lite: A third less IQ points than your regular presidential candidate and definitely less fulfilling.

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February 27, 2000

Therapy Du Jour
A rambling introspective on turning 31, the nature of God, and love of neighbor. (This work could be subtitled "Thus ends my political career.") If it leaves you as lost as a puppy in a sock factory, well, you're not the only one. Bottom line: I've suffered for my writing. Now it's your turn.

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December 9, 1999

You've Got Mail: You've Got To Be Kidding
You've Got Mail isn't the worst romantic comedy I've ever seen, but somebody's got a screwy idea of love, and I don't think it's me. If anyone needs proof that bad screenwriting and directing outweight good costuming and set design, here you go.

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November 5, 1999

College Notebook: Television and Food: Breakfast Cereal Commercials Aimed at Kids
Yes, I turned this in. Another "masterpiece" from the late '80s.

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November 4, 1999

College Notebook: Eat My Cornflakes
I wrote this back in college circa 1988 during my younger and dumber days. Well, younger anyway. I wouldn't publish these now except that my friend Dave thinks they're all right. I think Dave might have been "younger" then, too. Regardless, Cornflakes is about the steady decline of the country from the perspective of someone who remembers how it used to be. Clearly, that's not me, but lack of experience has never stopped me before, and it sure didn't here either.

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October 28, 1999

The Celestine Prophecy: The Mayans Did What?!?
Sure, it's an I-Can-Read book for the suspect and rather baffling Christian New Age movement. That doesn't mean there isn't some truth here, and let's face it, lots of people need I-Can-Read spiritual help. Of course that doesn't mean this incredibly dumb narrative is it.

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July 22, 1999

The Matrix: Jesus Christ, It's Keanu Reeves!
I'm sure I'll be accused of blasphemy, but I call 'em as I see 'em. Reeves, a horrible actor if there ever was one, achieved "passable" status in Chain Reaction and Speed. Does Reeves ascend to new heights in The Matrix? As his legion of fans (hullo, girls!) will attest, the answer is a definitive "yes."

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June 13, 1999

Phantom Menace: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Whatever you do, don't blink. This fourth Star Wars film is the easily the most quickly paced of the lot. Too bad that's not the only problem. Of course, I still think it's worth seeing several times.

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May 13, 1999

Copyright, Copywrong
A quick legal primer for those venturing into the world of online authoring. A public service announcement from yours truly, hereby fullfilling most of my court-ordered community service hours. Can you afford to pass it up? A potential $100,000 fine says, "no."

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April 20, 1999

Online Love, Online Hate
Don't hate me for trying to be the best friend I can be. Hate me for other, more substantive reasons like my failure to floss daily. Rules for email engagement. Ignore these at your peril. If I've told you to read this, there's a reason, and you're it.

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April 2, 1999

How Few Thoughts a Brain Holds 2: My Opinions for April 2, 1999
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, my brain returns to fan the flames of discontent while leaping off the bridge of rational thought and into the black night of a thousand mixed metaphors. Extra vitrol, no charge.

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January 13, 1999

Freedom To Be Stupid
My take on Hate Crime Laws and why they're bad idea numero uno. Saying what I think and thinking what I say have never been more dangerous. Or incomprehensible.

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December 16, 1998

How Few Thoughts a Brain Holds: My Opinions for December 16, 1998
Random bits of news heartily deserving of extreme vitrolic commentary receive same for price of regular vitrol. My egg nog overdose comes early this year. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Y2K glitch in your PC. Dr. K gets his 60 Minutes of fame. At least he still does house calls. Opinion polls show this is a big plus.

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October 1, 1998

VUI: The New Paradigm
I talk. Computer listens. Computer does things. 2001: A Space Odyssey a few years early. The latest in human-computer interaction, featuring the Macintosh. This story got me over 400 hits on the hit counter.

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August 20, 1998

What a Surprise
You couldn't write a novel that would be any more tawdry than what Bill Clinton has foisted upon America's 6 o'clock news. You wouldn't want to. Recommendation: Call your local HazMat team, this is a presidential chemical spill of epic proportions.

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August 17, 1998

Good Times, Bad Times On the Internet
A mea culpa regarding my computer virus rants over the years. I wasn't really that wrong since the latest represents an innovation in virus technology, but you can listen to me grovel anyway. Includes "bonus rant" on the First Amendment and free speech on the Internet.

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August 4, 1998

Getting Down with Titanic
James and the giant metallic peach. Hope floats? Not hardly, and neither do big broken ships. From good to bad in the time it takes to freeze an ice cube.

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July 29, 1998

Dear Mom & Dad: Get an iMac
What can I say? I think it worked.

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July 22, 1998

The Death Penalty: Wrong, Wrong, Wrong, Wrong, Wrong, Wrong, Wrong
I don't know if it's true what they say about Catherine the Great and her stallion, but I like to think that here I've brought the same combination of unbridled passion and imagery to the topic of capital punishment. Granted, my horseplay is a little more figurative and literary, but trust me, this is solid entertainment. Hey, have I let you down so far? Neigh!

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July 18, 1998

World Cup Soccer: Ratings 'R' Us
The truth as I see it so far as France '98 was concerned. Who was the best forward? How could the U.S. have done worse? Why do you care? These questions and more, answered. Well, except for that last one.

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July 4, 1998

US World Cup '98: 3-6-1 Hike
A cautionary tale of a nation, a team, and a coach who thinks he knows more than the next guy. Sheep to the slaughter courtesy of a bizarre soccer formation and goofy player personnel selection. It's time-honored, it's easy to do, and in this case, it's absolutely on the mark: I blame the coach.

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May 15, 1998

Finley
Venturing into the cut-throat world of short story fiction, I subtly dis multi-level marketing and insult Leprechauns. All that glitters is not gold, but some people seem to think that maybe if we close our eyes and wish really hard, it will be. Nope.

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May 8, 1998

Investing Resources
Designed with the beginning to intermediate investor in mind, this work is predicated on the notion that anyone under 40 who believes Social Security will provide them with a secure retirement has the brains of a turnip. And not a particularly smart turnip either. If we are to achieve financial security it is up to us, not the U.S. government. Remember: No one cares about your financial success like you do. That said, I'm here to offer the best advice and support I can. We'll be gunning the fiscal engine, running red lights and ignoring all crosswalks in our race to financial success, so hold on and buckle up.

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April 23, 1998

One Tin Soldier
An interview with the interesting and elusive Ty Davison. Conducted by Ty Davison. Edited by Ty Davison. A blunt blow with a heavy object. A spiritual review of capitalism. Counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike. Too much monkey business.

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April 17, 1998

Paula, Paula, Paula...
Keeping up with the Joneses. An open letter to the woman who, like Betsy Ross or Eleanor Roosevelt, has done so much for this country. With her court case now deservedly thrown out, she may not get rich, but she'll always have her reputation.

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April 9, 1998

Virtual PC 2.0: My 486 is Out of a Job
New emulator happily and easily opens the Pandora's Box of Windows 95 for Apple Power Mac users. Now your Mac can have page faults, general protection errors and blue screens of death just like a real PC! Two steps forward, one step back in the Dance of Life.

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February 18, 1998

Galaxians: Arcade Game For the Ages
Nothing like an arcade emulator and the re-discovery of a favorite video game to make one feel young again. Cheaper than plastic surgery, too.

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February 16, 1998

Be Impeached Like a Man!
His domestic agenda in tatters, President Bill sounds the happy drumbeat of war in an attempt to distract restless natives. Slips another notch on the "morality-o-meter." (Who knew negative numbers were possible?) Monica Lewinsky and why "loose lips sink ships."

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December 31, 1997

Correspondence '97
Letters from adoring fans. Edited for brevity. My witty responses. Prolonged for your annoyance. Name that author. Another way to kill five minutes.

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June 1, 1997

PGP (Pretty Good Privacy)
A little background on encryption and why it's necessary to keep Big Brother from watching you. Or me, for that matter. My Public Key and the Web of Trust. Encouragement not to make me a solitary, quixotic figure on a singular journey to encryption loneliness. Pathos overdose. Be my Sancho Panza.

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May 30, 1997

Deep Six Courtesy of Deep Blue
The end of humanity as we know it? Or a lot of really nerdy people upset over the head nerd being knocked off (beats "up!") by a machine? From bizarre NBA references to Year 2000 computer meltdown, we've got it all.

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April 23, 1997

Meathead is a Democrat: The American President
Dreyfuss is boring with a capital "OR," but otherwise this film is all set to move center stage next time the Democrats run out of material at a fundraiser. Power, romance...and no real sex scenes or it'd be the perfect Bill Clinton date movie.

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April 5, 1997

Phenomenon: Welcome to Scientology!
Vinnie Barbarino gets hit by a flash of light and becomes the most intelligent auto mechanic ever. Flowers for Algernon II? You bet, Mr. Kotter. From dancer to gangster to Air Force pilot gone bad, actor John Travolta once again stretches himself, this time to become George Malley, a small town auto mechanic with an I.Q. of, oh, say, 2 million. Viewer discretion advised.

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April 1, 1997

Claris Organizer 2.0: Forget Everything You Know
I can't remember when I was so excited about a software product, and from now on I won't have to. Contacts, tasks, appointments—soon I'll be able to forget my own birthday because Organizer will handle all the memory chores. It even integrates well with those of you from the old school of pencil and paper. Automated features up the yang, which is not nearly as bad a thing as it sounds. Beats a stick in the eye.

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March 22, 1997

Human Cloning: Too Much of A Good Thing
Great news for the Lone Star State: Scientists find a way to clone sheep. Now every Billy-Bob Yahoo can have a date for Saturday night. If he's lucky. And the sheep is drunk. Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys.

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March 1, 1997

Apple Macintosh: A New Hope
Apple cuts employees and loses millions, but the future's never looked brighter. Why it's time to ditch the Intel/Microsoft platform. Proof that Codeine dependency is an ugly thing. Updated for '98.

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February 23, 1997

Things That Go Bang
Published months ahead of schedule, an exploratory essay on America and the Fourth of July. Continuing my self-appointed role as Job's comforter, I gently probe the nation's tender psyche with my ice-pick-like wit. Trotsky-esque.

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February 13, 1997

America Off-Line
On-line fascists battle intellectual freedom. Freedom 1, AOL 0. Steve Case as Oliver Cromwell minus charm. And brains. My fight for truth, justice and the other thing. Fun for the whole family.

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February 13, 1997

Chiropractic Treatment: One Man's Tail
Taking a break from the otherwise hum-drum world of painfree living, I injure my lower back and enter the Land of Oz where I meet the Wizard, his lovely assistant Dr. Kim and his still-searching-for-a-brain heavy, Juan. In their delightful wonderland of chiropractic treatment, I discover the joys and benefits of this pseudo-medical care. No longer branded "complete nincompoops" by the American Medical Association, these chiropractic practioners revel in their "partial nincompoop" status. Analysis by the gurney-load in a surrealistic, pain-marred dreamscape. Knock it back with pills. Note the nifty pun in the title.

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February 7, 1997

Iomega Jaz
You don't want to know how long it took for me to get a functioning Jaz drive from Iomega, but I tell you anyway. Mein kampf in less than a page. Heart of darkness ("The horror! The horror!") to Shangri-La. Eighth wonder of the world or desktop Three Mile Island? Presenting yet another sure-fire insomnia cure of a review.

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February 6, 1997

Quicken 7 Deluxe: Cashflow is King
Another typical, haphazard review of questionable quality. Written after one hour's use of the product. Random mutterings by a confused man. Basing a buying decision on this is like trusting O.J. Simpson at cutlery convention: not for the faint of heart.

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February 5, 1997

Medical Mary Jane
Everybody must get stoned: Glaucoma never looked so good. Wedge issue in the drug war, or feel-good hit of the summer? Feds argue one side, I make the case that feds are idiots. Not sure I succeed, but close enough for government work. Incisive analysis with a third less calories than our regular beer.

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February 1, 1997

Windows: Why I Hate Microsoft
General slogging of Microsoft Windows 3.1 and Windows 95. Three reasons why Bill Gates is Darth Vader personified. Features gross distortions and defamatory accusations to the extent allowed by current U.S. libel law. Not intended for use by children under the age of 12.

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January 27, 1997

The 1996 Presidential Election
Never have so many owed so little to so few. The great American political machine, now bereft of ideas and with waning interest and will, totters on the brink of voting for an unaffordably massive tax cut before tumbling into the abyss of four more years of morally bankrupt leadership. Character assassination with panache. Film at 11.

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