A question for those of you who voted in the last U.S. presidential election: How in God's green earth did you decide between a man who's clearly over the hill and picking up speed (or was that just his ideas?) and a man with the moral compass of Richard Nixon?

Or did you vote for Ross? Perot supporters: Do us all a favor, and GET A LIFE. The little billionaire guy from Texas is the quintessential nowhere man making all his nowhere plans for nobody. And, of course, the rest of us all cast our pity upon you if you ended up so alienated as to vote for some third-party candidate. Folks, we have to face facts: It's a frustrating time to care about politics in America because there's a lot of problems that need solving, and our choices in the voting booth are none too pretty. (Ross Perot was particularly ill-favored by the Gods of Beauty.)

(Sadly, I was constitutionally barred from entering the '96 presidential contest. Luckily, I am just eligible for the race in 2004 so, dear reader, you are among the first to hear of my previously unannounced candidacy for the office of president of the United States. Vote Davison in 2004!)

Now those of you who are ardent goose-stepping party supporters, whether Democrat or Republican, might be slightly put off by my characterizations of your candidates. This is as it should be, because I thought your candidate—no matter which party you belong to—stunk to high heaven. Please don't try bringing up veep nominees either. Kemp had the worst debate since Quayle (actually, he was worse than Quayle's 1992 versus Gore), and Gore was just as wooden as he always jokes he is. (Hey, Albert! It's...just...not...funny...any..more....)

Allow me to elaborate: Bob Dole's tax-cut idea was easily the single-worse campaign initiative of '96. How can we afford a tax-cut when the deficit and debt problems are still out of control? Answer: We can't. Regardless, Dole is to be commended on his final days' non-stop campaigning. It probably saved the Congress from going Democratic. (I'm sure "saved" isn't the right word for many of you out there.)

Hey, quick question: Have Dole's campaign and media advisors been taken out and shot yet? Because somebody really ought to...ask them what they were thinking. Clinton runs poll-driven campaign (i.e. takes no unpopular stands, minimizes differences between himself and his opponent), and Dole just takes it in the shorts on election day. Figuratively speaking, of course. With Clinton involved that's not always clear.

The politically astute response is, of course, to respond in kind. That is, run a poll-driven campaign (to the extent you're able; Dole is after all a man of some integrity). Now what's one area where there might be a substantive difference between the candidates that Clinton can clearly do nothing about? (Hint: Paula Jones...Whitewater...Travelgate...FBI files...Democratic fund-raising...)

Now Clinton's political strategy, brought to us by the aptly-named Dick Morris, was highly effective in (1) re-electing the president and (2) confirming that Bill has no moral fiber what-so-ever. For further proof, Mr. Morris has a new, so-called "kiss-and-tell" book out that highlights exactly how big a role polls played in the president's re-election strategy. It's supposedly a sickeningly self-centered read, but what's one more egomaniac in the world? He probably has a personal web page, too...

Again, vote Davison in 2004....